Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

saving face 👀

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.