Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.