Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*