Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

What I said: it’s bedtime

What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?

me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.