Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter

Grandmother clock.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!