Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.