Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur