Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Saw your ex at the shops
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.