@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

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@ginger_xtc

build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

@Ristolable

You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.

@salmarch79

ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@ruinedpicnic

[checks window]
[locks door]
[starts to tweet]
shrek was a d- [FBI agents burst into the room and leap on me] shrEK WAS A DOC UMENTArY

@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@3sunzzz

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up