@UnFitz

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

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@KylePlantEmoji

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

@Marlebean

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b

@lecalabara

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

@hunz74

My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.

@BellaBurnley

My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.

@Cerra__

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.