Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early