Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I put the mess in domestic.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
only 11 steps left
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
This meal prepping shit easy
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.