Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
@funTweeters
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv