Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

Not my job 😂

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

What’s so funny?

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house