Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

the three branches of government

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Cashiers are always checking me out

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!