Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.