Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
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*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.