Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer