Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Today’s tshirt
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on