Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.