Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
put ‘er there pardner!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.