Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.