Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

There’s never enough good news

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.

– Me, to the 5 yr old

Dumplings,

JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

stop

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue