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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Saturday
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from