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whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
how to have fun when you’re poor
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
God has left this place
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.