Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural

applying for a new job

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.