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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.