Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

courtroom exchange of the day

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE

Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please

lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others