Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
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Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.