Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife