Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate