Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
i just found this in my phone
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer