Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
