Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are

Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am

My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

😂

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Her: We need to talk.

*vultures begin circling over me*

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

What legos do when we’re not looking.

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.