Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

he looks great for his age

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork