Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close

me: it’s fine there’s room

side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU

ㅤ

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be