Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m not proud
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too