saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
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What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.