Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
our love story in four pictures
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.