Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
is it earth
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I was bored.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*lint rolls you awake*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.