Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My sex drive has a dui
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.