Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Orange is oranging 🟠
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?