Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May