Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask