Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
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[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”