Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
You Might Also Like
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
These dogs look like they have good credit.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray