Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.