Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes