saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side

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The year is 2075.

A student asks how World War 3 began.

The teacher responds with “Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie…”


Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.


[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.


Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*


Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.


You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.


Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything?


A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?