saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*