saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Huge, if true.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
…u ok Nintendo?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.