Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.