Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it