Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

It has been 3 years since Monday.

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.