Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?