saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
You Might Also Like
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
#Caturday
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
