saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
🛁
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Bruh
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!