Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands