Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.