Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
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My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.