Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
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Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Y’all know who you are.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs