Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

A family that plays together cheats.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…