Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex