Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
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I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.