Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three genders

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*

me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN