Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
being a writer on Twitter:
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Watermelon Boss!
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h