saw this in a dream
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need him
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m too immature for adultery.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.