saw this in a dream
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Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.