Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down