saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.