saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
You Might Also Like
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch