saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
A dead goose is called a ghoost
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.