Saw this yesterday lol
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.