Saw this yesterday lol
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.