Saw this yesterday lol
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
son: *counts to ten*
wife: good job
me: (smugly) eleven
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
Can Happiness buy money?
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
