Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
U talkin 2 me?
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
*Seductively hides in the woods
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Rt to bother an English speaker
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
j o i m p
