Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
🍛
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?