Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
the composer
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*