Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.