Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sorry not sorry.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
