before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My first son he is wonderful
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
*seductively eats two tums*