Saw your ex at the shops
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🤣✨#caturday
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m confused about plants
spicy snake
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’