Saw your ex at the shops
You Might Also Like
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away